Follow

What if we were to follow Jesus like we do Rob Bell? I mean it. No this isn’t a rant against Rob or his book. I don’t know the man and I haven’t read a single page from his latest release.

What I do see though, is a culture that is so keen on following people. We are obsessed with music icons, movie stars and “reality tv” contestants and we just keep getting more information about them from traditional and social media. We can quote lines from our favorite movies and sing lyrics from songs we haven’t heard for 20 years.

What if we followed Jesus with that same passion?

What if, instead of saying “I can’t memorize scripture” we gave it the same attention we do the latest radio hit. Or, if we quoted scripture instead of lines from Dumb and Dumber. How would the world be radically changed if the “stuff” we talked about was not Charlie Sheen’s latest episode, but instead we shared our faith or just listened to the hurts of others.

If we truly love Jesus and desire to follow him then why aren’t we doing these things? Why is Rob Bell (and many others) on the top 100 people in Time Magazine? Shouldn’t Christ be listed instead?

If we, as Christians, were truly living out our faith and our calling, then he would be.

Submit

God is trying to teach me something right now, but I don’t know what it is. How can I be so sure? Well, let me explain my week.

It started with confirmation that a friendship I held in high regard was in fact only one-sided. Next came the excitement of a potential set-up that sounded rather promising. Mid-week included a spotting of an ex-boyfriend followed up by him emailing me and flirting with me. Now, this is the one who just a year ago broke up with me and left me devastated and in confusion for months. Friday brought a sighting of the ex-husband at the vet, which this time included no words since I busied myself with a quick phone call. Topped off by the set-up prospect turning dead in the water.

So, this week has got to mean he was trying to teach me something, right?!? Cause the alternatives are that life is just chance and happenstance, which I don’t agree with. Or, that he takes some type of pleasure in my pain, again not what I believe. The reality is that he has plans for good for me…so what does this all mean?

Oh, did I mention that five years ago today I received a phone call that would change my life as I knew it and tumble me into a whole new world of divorced, suddenly single and alone.

Are these reminders of the awful relationships I’ve had with men? I can’t imagine- I realize they were not good relationships and if any of them were to ask for second chances, I would decline. How about a 'look how far you’ve come' moment…possible, but I’m not sure how focusing on the negative is supposed to make me realize this. In many ways I am happy and content with my life, just a piece that I would like to be there is missing…the level of pain this causes at any given moment fluctuates.

I talked with a counselor friend who seems as baffled as I am…the one thing we can agree on, is that God is doing something here, but what is it. She recommended I pray for guidance and that I’m open to learning what he has for me.

So, I went to Bible study with raw emotions, not wanting to be there, but knowing (for this year) God has called me to lead. After all, we’re talking about submission and husbands and wives, so I can sort of zone out on this one. Right?!? But, not really because we took it deeper.

“The question is never are you submitted. The only question is who and what are you submitted to.” [GULP]. What am I submitted to?!? Is THIS what you want me to get God? That I need to be fully submitted to you? Cause I have turned over the control of the dating thing to you, but fully submitted, now that’s a hard one, one we all need to work on.

“The reason submission is such a powerful principle is because it operates on pure faith. It says, I believe that God sees all. Hears all and knows all and He will intervene on my behalf.”

So, even if the situation seems hopeless and like there is no resuscitation, God will intervene on my behalf- he knows all, sees all and hears all. He knows the desires of my heart. He has plans to bless me.

Maybe I need to submit more of myself to him; my desires, my dating (or lack thereof), my future, my life, everything.

Forgiveness or Doormat?

What is it about the female sex that feels the need to take the hungry ,poor and huddle masses and give them a free pass. I’m not talking about legitimate people in need. No, I’m referring the propensity to practically have the word “Welcome” stamped across our foreheads as we let another boyfriend/lover/friend/ex/’whatever his title’ man walk all over us.

It’s not as if we all lay awake as little girls dreaming of the day someone we care about will show that they have us as an option while we place them as a priority. I didn’t wander into the friendship expecting that it would be one-sided. My heart didn’t purposefully fall for someone who months later would talk about the missing “spark.” But somehow it all has transpired.

I don’t harbor ill-ill towards any of them, so I wouldn’t balk at the idea of returning emails ten months after a break-up. But truly isn’t that more of the doormat mentality than a heart of forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean I let you back in my life to hurt me. It means that I have given up my need (or right) to be mad at someone. I can forgive the affair, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is continued.

So, am I forgiving or getting walked on?

I consider myself a strong confident person in many respects. I’ve gone through many fires with my Savior and have come out the other end refined in some ways, but still with rough edges. I have my faults and my flaws. I wouldn’t say I let people walk over me, but I do have my kryptonite.

I don’t know why I give more leeway to the opposite sex. If my girlfriends pulled some of the stunts we would have words. So, why don’t I hold the other gender to the same standards? Why do I allow for more uncaring acts? Is it because my heart is involved and that makes it sticky; after all, don’t we all want somebody to love? A lack of self-esteem; you may not be perfect, but I’m not either.

Whatever the reason, I’m realizing that I deserve better and I don’t need to put up with it. God has a much richer plan for me that doesn’t involve one-sided connections and constant questioning in any type of relationship; no matter the gender or title.

Rocky

I lost my best friend and confidant a little over a week ago. And while it seems like it was just moments, it already seems like a lifetime away. He had walked through life’s struggles with me, sat and cried with me and let me cuddle with him when the world outside seemed cold and dark. He never judged me or scolded me for over reacting. He didn’t care that my mascara was running or that I was wearing my comfy pants for the second night in a row. He loved me unconditionally.

I had always said that no one else would love that pup like I did. He was in many ways my heart and soul. He saw me at my worst, brought out my best and no matter what he always wanted to be near me—even when I couldn’t stand myself.

He was my first dog and I was surprised how much my heart could love him in the short seven and a half years he was a part of my life.

He was my best and longest relationship with the opposite sex and while to some that may sound sad, I think it’s much to be expected. He never let me down, never broke my heart (until a week ago) and at every turn wanted to know how I was or where I was (and yes, apparently I still can go to the bathroom without him in the same room, but it doesn’t seem the same).

Rocky was there when things hit the fan. He licked my tears, laid with me when I couldn’t move and listened to me yell at no one in particular. He was a godsend, a major player in me making it through the past five years and in many ways the tangible version of a God who I can not touch.

Now he’s gone.

It has been 8 days, six of those have involved tears, but I'm always sad and I miss him constantly. I talk to him, sleep with his toy clutched to me (the ones that I refused to pick up after he slobbered on them-those seem the most precious now). I added his dog tag to my keys and find myself rubbing it mindlessly. I’m constantly sad, no matter what my face may be showing. My whole body knows that something is off.

And it doesn’t just end there. The house is quiet. It makes sounds I’ve never heard before and things spook me easily. I can’t watch a scary movie because who will comfort me? I give directions to my house and get sad as I drive our walking route. I see remnants of him and my heart weeps a little. How am I doing? I’m holding on. Outside is one thing, inside is another.

I get concerned easily. I'm nervous to answer the phone--feeling like something tragic is coming. A number I don’t recognize could mean an accident or answers and each one holds it’s own set of fears.

So much tragedy, so much pain in 29 years. There has to be a reason for all this pain. Other pain I’ve gone through I have seen the other side and I see Him at work. But, Rocky?!!? He was so much a part of me. How can his tragic and horrible death come from a God who is supposed to love me? I don’t see it and I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m confused.

So, no, in no way am I back to 'normal,” no matter what you see on my face, but I’m hanging on the best I know how without him.

Deafeated and Depleted

Do you ever feel like God totally showed up when you needed him to? That is how I feel right now, like this little ray of sunshine can be enough to keep me going for a little while longer.

It shouldn’t surprise me when it happens, because time and time again he has done it. Yet, each instance causes me to just stop and marvel in his grace, mercy and love for me.

I wasn’t feeling exceptionally loved waking up today and was feeling defeated and depleted on many playing fields. Worry about what other people think and putting my identity in the hands of others had caused tears and frustration. A criticism from someone I didn’t even know seemed to be the icing on the cake.

So, I started to do what I should have done way earlier and I just asked God to remind me of my identity. To help that insecure little girl inside my head fully understand how wide, how long, how high and how deep is the Father’s love for me. That I would find my value in the fact that I am his treasured daughter. That these truths would just take root in my soul and I would stop struggling with this concept.

And then He showed up.

And I’m still sitting here in awe. It was a simple thing really, but in one night he tackled three fears. It’s like He was saying, “I want you to get this, I know you’re hurting and I so want you to grasp this. I can’t stop until you really get it. Because until you do, you won’t fully live the life I have for you. But see here, in the midst of this pain, I’m reminding you that I love you.”

I shouldn’t be surprised that He showed up. But I am. I walked in faith, out of my comfort zone, to do what He wanted. There have been attacks, but tonight was reiteration that this is where He wants me. When I put my trust in me or my ability, I will fail and I will fall. It’s not to say that it will be easy or that I won’t struggle, but I’m marinating on how wide and long and high and deep is His love for me. I AM his treasured daughter!

Artistic View

I don’t know how people view me. For most of life this doesn’t really matter. Oh, the ideas enter my head as fleeting thoughts pretty regularly, but they don’t prohibit my ability to move, think, act or grow. Then something happens and I’m stopped in my tracks. A moment where I’m suddenly confronted with the reality that I don’t know the impression I’m giving and I don’t know if it’s the one I want to be espousing.

Is my body language showing how I truly feel? Are my actions and efforts being mistaken or misread? Do my insecurities and issues shine through the facade I’ve placed in front to protect myself? Do people like me, am I making them comfortable? Do they view me as awkward as I see myself?

I get caught in this mind game of trying to figure all these things out, but the reality is that many times I may never know. People fly in and out of my life and I may never truly understand what they felt about me and it’s probably best that I never broach the subject.

In talking to those close to me, I realize that many people in my inner circle have opinions that, while similar, do vary to some degree. I begin to see patterns in what they view and what I tell them. How close I let them in and the stages they see me on. The places we’ve met or the pretenses we have operated under.

Don’t get me wrong, I am myself through and through- take it or leave it. But, one person probably said it best that I am guarded. Silly it seems as I place this out there for all of cyber space, but I am guarded. Myself with a different rating-- depending on our relationship. Some get certain parts of me while others see a completely different set. Levels that, I guess, are determined somewhere in my own head.

Comfort? Safety? Trust? I’m not sure how I make those determinations, but I do.

I guess the most important question I should ask is how do I see myself? Do I like what I see? Does my view match up with the version I’m showing to the masses. And how do I change if I need to. I don’t know if I have the answers to all those questions, but I’m trying.

Trying to determine what it means for the parts that don’t quite align. Why do some people see me as more outspoken while others see my more introspective side? They are both parts of me that come and go. They ebb and flow at times depending on situation, circumstance, attitude, comfort level and a whole slew of factors I may not even realize.

I am multifaceted, not just a simple piece, but a tapestry made up of many fabrics. So, why do some see only yellow while others view blues and greens more readily? And who are those people that can see the final artwork? They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe I just need to come to peace with the fact that we are all art critics and those who are meant to see the magnificence in the tapestry will. Those who are not will walk away either feeling slighted or no worse for the experience.

Waiting

I was sitting in a waiting room the other day and realized this has become my life--I'm in a state of waiting. I looked around at the other people, some reading magazines, some on their iPod and others talking on their phone and I just watched, taking it all in and waiting.

It's not like I've sat on my hands, forfeited my turn or bowed out completely, but I'm still waiting. The "perfect" job, the man of my dreams/knight in shinning armor/the "one"/whatever descriptor you want- waiting.

I'm not a patient person and the trust thing is hard for me, so this waiting room experience is by no means easy. But, I have to trust that there is a purpose and a plan here, even in the waiting.

My pastor calls this the "Land Between" and talks about the Israelites in the desert for 40 years. He talks about how the decisions we make in this time help determine our faith. Our choices, no matter what we pick, will either harm or help our walk with Christ.

So, what am I choosing? Am I making this time of waiting profitable? Am I learning to trust in the desert? Has my faith grown while wandering in this land between? Or have I fostered a complaining heart, grown discontent or harbored anger?

I feel like there has been progress, not perfection, but steps in the right direction. But still waiting. I find myself asking God how long must I wait. How long will I be in the land between before I reach the promised land?