Car 54...

Where are you? Well, it has been a while since I have updated my blog so here it goes. Life has been a strange kind of busy lately. Not the kind where you are running around yet feel like nothing is getting crossed off the list. It has been more of a "I kind of feel like I am the girl standing there and everyone is flying by me so fast that you can't even make out their faces" kind of busy.

I don't really feel like I am standing still, but time is passing all around me. It's like I woke up from the past 11 mths to find that a large amount of time has passed, but part of me is still back 11 mths ago. The other part of me feels like there is an incredibly large gulf that divides January from where I stand and I can't even imagine that all of that horribleness was going on in my life.

It is a feeling of being torn between knowing that it all happened and realizing that not only did it happen, but I went through it and am coming out of it-scared and scarred- but coming through.

It makes me think of the tunnel that used to form outside of locker rooms at high school sports. Everyone held up their hands while screaming and excitement ensued to a huge buildup when the team, like Greek gods, entered the field. Once the last member of the team was through, the human tunnel disappeared and people walked away almost forgetting why they had just made fools out of themselves to welcome the team.

At times I feel like I am running onto the field. Like I am the one the human tunnel has formed for. My own personal cheerleaders are there to make me feel welcomed. And at other times it is like I am the idiot walking away. Not feeling ashamed or beaten down, but uncertain of what just took place. Unaware of the significance and not fully understanding how that event will mold me or shape me into someone later in life.

I suppose that we all must play both roles and it helps us to see the necessity for the other, but when looking back at what has transpired it is sometimes difficult to distinguish which role I was in.