I am Not in Control

I don't consider myself a control freak. Don't feel like I have to be in charge to be happy. In fact, I know I'm not the head honcho and that is fine with me. Yet, I struggle to give up my sense of control. As if I'm in a mental tug-of-war with God over the reins of my life all the while knowing he is in the driver's seat and that is where I want him. Yet I'm shouting out commands like a backseat driver.

I'm single--turn here.

My job's in chaos--don't forget to stop at the stop sign.

Niece and nephew have medical tests--the light's green.

The past four years have been a bounty of examples of how I am NOT in control. Divorce, unemployment, sale of home, new job, new home, termites, car repairs, loss of both grandmas, wind damage, single, dating, single again.

It's like God really wants me to grasp this concept, but I keep failing miserably. I know I'm not in charge, but why do I keep trying to direct things? I'm not saying God wants us to sit on our hands, but sometimes he needs us to get out of the way so he can work. He doesn't need me in there messing it up. He needs me to step aside so his plan can be revealed.

The odd thing is that I trust him with certain things completely. I was unemployed and he brought me an amazing job--unemployment doesn't bother me. I've been there and he provided every step of the way. The mortgage on my new house was always paid and I never went without.

"But the relationship thing hasn't always worked out so well, so if you don't mind God, I'm gonna keep a hold on this one." It's silly, I know, and I need to turn it over fully and completely--to surrender to self and just let go. Like many things, this is much easier said than done. So, I'll keep plugging away at it and if you see my grabbing the steering wheel or shouting out directions, feel free to stop me.