I lost it somewhere between "I do" and he didn't; the bachelor party lie and the secrets revealed. The "how could you believe I would..." and the confession. Secrets and truths. Trust and its opposite.
I'm not blaming and I can't entirely trace it all back to one person, but that is where it grew and gained momentum. Where I learned it's best to cocoon because being honest, truly and completely transparent, with a man (no matter how much he promised to love) wasn't worth it.
The more I learned, the more I realized that being me-all of me-was more than he wanted. I always get emotional when I hear the line from one of my favorite songs that says "you couldn't stand to be near me when my face don't seem to want to shine 'cause its a little bit dirty." I complained too much (smudge), I didn't let him do anything (another mark), I was always perfect (scars).
It didn't matter that these weren't true or that they were bits and pieces of his own issues passed on to me. That my insecurities were being played out in front of me at home and at work was of no concern to him. But I bought was he was selling. The sad thing is- that is what has left the scar. I worry when I complain or vent or tell someone how I really feel that I will drive them away. Because we all want to see the shiny.
Maybe that is why I didn't want to do this blog in the first place. If people could see me, hear my thoughts, view the Samsonite baggage and know what I was feeling they wouldn't want to be around. I guess that is the crux of it all. If you could see me for who I truly am, would you accept me or would you leave?
3 comments:
ahh, i think this is the quintessential human question- if you really knew me, all of me, would you still love me?
but I think that is kind of the beauty of it too, that people get to see that part of you and you get to see them still loving you and still accepting you. this is grace and healing and love.
and really would you reject someone just because you knew their baggage? I doubt it, knowing you. So why then would others do the same to you?
people are hungering for truth and reality in this world. so many people are fake and superficial. are you willing to be one of the rare and bold ones who is honest and real?
I agree, I think we are all wondering this on some level. Unfortunately, past experience has shown me "no." So, I have to get past that and not let that taint me.
yeah but not ALL past experiences. some have for sure. some really big ones from some really important people to you. and I don't discount that. but I just wanted to point out, it hasn't been everyone. there are those that know the true you and still love you (though I know it is easier to focus on the ones that haven't since those made a bigger impact). but perhaps the ones that have deserve just as much weight and recongition?
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