Artistic View

I don’t know how people view me. For most of life this doesn’t really matter. Oh, the ideas enter my head as fleeting thoughts pretty regularly, but they don’t prohibit my ability to move, think, act or grow. Then something happens and I’m stopped in my tracks. A moment where I’m suddenly confronted with the reality that I don’t know the impression I’m giving and I don’t know if it’s the one I want to be espousing.

Is my body language showing how I truly feel? Are my actions and efforts being mistaken or misread? Do my insecurities and issues shine through the facade I’ve placed in front to protect myself? Do people like me, am I making them comfortable? Do they view me as awkward as I see myself?

I get caught in this mind game of trying to figure all these things out, but the reality is that many times I may never know. People fly in and out of my life and I may never truly understand what they felt about me and it’s probably best that I never broach the subject.

In talking to those close to me, I realize that many people in my inner circle have opinions that, while similar, do vary to some degree. I begin to see patterns in what they view and what I tell them. How close I let them in and the stages they see me on. The places we’ve met or the pretenses we have operated under.

Don’t get me wrong, I am myself through and through- take it or leave it. But, one person probably said it best that I am guarded. Silly it seems as I place this out there for all of cyber space, but I am guarded. Myself with a different rating-- depending on our relationship. Some get certain parts of me while others see a completely different set. Levels that, I guess, are determined somewhere in my own head.

Comfort? Safety? Trust? I’m not sure how I make those determinations, but I do.

I guess the most important question I should ask is how do I see myself? Do I like what I see? Does my view match up with the version I’m showing to the masses. And how do I change if I need to. I don’t know if I have the answers to all those questions, but I’m trying.

Trying to determine what it means for the parts that don’t quite align. Why do some people see me as more outspoken while others see my more introspective side? They are both parts of me that come and go. They ebb and flow at times depending on situation, circumstance, attitude, comfort level and a whole slew of factors I may not even realize.

I am multifaceted, not just a simple piece, but a tapestry made up of many fabrics. So, why do some see only yellow while others view blues and greens more readily? And who are those people that can see the final artwork? They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe I just need to come to peace with the fact that we are all art critics and those who are meant to see the magnificence in the tapestry will. Those who are not will walk away either feeling slighted or no worse for the experience.