Imagine

Follow

2011-04-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

What if we were to follow Jesus like we do Rob Bell? I mean it. No this isn’t a rant against Rob or his book. I don’t know the man and I haven’t read a single page from his latest release.

What I do see though, is a culture that is so keen on following people. We are obsessed with music icons, movie stars and “reality tv” contestants and we just keep getting more information about them from traditional and social media. We can quote lines from our favorite movies and sing lyrics from songs we haven’t heard for 20 years.

What if we followed Jesus with that same passion?

What if, instead of saying “I can’t memorize scripture” we gave it the same attention we do the latest radio hit. Or, if we quoted scripture instead of lines from Dumb and Dumber. How would the world be radically changed if the “stuff” we talked about was not Charlie Sheen’s latest episode, but instead we shared our faith or just listened to the hurts of others.

If we truly love Jesus and desire to follow him then why aren’t we doing these things? Why is Rob Bell (and many others) on the top 100 people in Time Magazine? Shouldn’t Christ be listed instead?

If we, as Christians, were truly living out our faith and our calling, then he would be.

Submit

2011-01-11T17:09:00.000-08:00

God is trying to teach me something right now, but I don’t know what it is. How can I be so sure? Well, let me explain my week.

It started with confirmation that a friendship I held in high regard was in fact only one-sided. Next came the excitement of a potential set-up that sounded rather promising. Mid-week included a spotting of an ex-boyfriend followed up by him emailing me and flirting with me. Now, this is the one who just a year ago broke up with me and left me devastated and in confusion for months. Friday brought a sighting of the ex-husband at the vet, which this time included no words since I busied myself with a quick phone call. Topped off by the set-up prospect turning dead in the water.

So, this week has got to mean he was trying to teach me something, right?!? Cause the alternatives are that life is just chance and happenstance, which I don’t agree with. Or, that he takes some type of pleasure in my pain, again not what I believe. The reality is that he has plans for good for me…so what does this all mean?

Oh, did I mention that five years ago today I received a phone call that would change my life as I knew it and tumble me into a whole new world of divorced, suddenly single and alone.

Are these reminders of the awful relationships I’ve had with men? I can’t imagine- I realize they were not good relationships and if any of them were to ask for second chances, I would decline. How about a 'look how far you’ve come' moment…possible, but I’m not sure how focusing on the negative is supposed to make me realize this. In many ways I am happy and content with my life, just a piece that I would like to be there is missing…the level of pain this causes at any given moment fluctuates.

I talked with a counselor friend who seems as baffled as I am…the one thing we can agree on, is that God is doing something here, but what is it. She recommended I pray for guidance and that I’m open to learning what he has for me.

So, I went to Bible study with raw emotions, not wanting to be there, but knowing (for this year) God has called me to lead. After all, we’re talking about submission and husbands and wives, so I can sort of zone out on this one. Right?!? But, not really because we took it deeper.

“The question is never are you submitted. The only question is who and what are you submitted to.” [GULP]. What am I submitted to?!? Is THIS what you want me to get God? That I need to be fully submitted to you? Cause I have turned over the control of the dating thing to you, but fully submitted, now that’s a hard one, one we all need to work on.

“The reason submission is such a powerful principle is because it operates on pure faith. It says, I believe that God sees all. Hears all and knows all and He will intervene on my behalf.”

So, even if the situation seems hopeless and like there is no resuscitation, God will intervene on my behalf- he knows all, sees all and hears all. He knows the desires of my heart. He has plans to bless me.

Maybe I need to submit more of myself to him; my desires, my dating (or lack thereof), my future, my life, everything.

Forgiveness or Doormat?

2011-01-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

What is it about the female sex that feels the need to take the hungry ,poor and huddle masses and give them a free pass. I’m not talking about legitimate people in need. No, I’m referring the propensity to practically have the word “Welcome” stamped across our foreheads as we let another boyfriend/lover/friend/ex/’whatever his title’ man walk all over us.

It’s not as if we all lay awake as little girls dreaming of the day someone we care about will show that they have us as an option while we place them as a priority. I didn’t wander into the friendship expecting that it would be one-sided. My heart didn’t purposefully fall for someone who months later would talk about the missing “spark.” But somehow it all has transpired.

I don’t harbor ill-ill towards any of them, so I wouldn’t balk at the idea of returning emails ten months after a break-up. But truly isn’t that more of the doormat mentality than a heart of forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean I let you back in my life to hurt me. It means that I have given up my need (or right) to be mad at someone. I can forgive the affair, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is continued.

So, am I forgiving or getting walked on?

I consider myself a strong confident person in many respects. I’ve gone through many fires with my Savior and have come out the other end refined in some ways, but still with rough edges. I have my faults and my flaws. I wouldn’t say I let people walk over me, but I do have my kryptonite.

I don’t know why I give more leeway to the opposite sex. If my girlfriends pulled some of the stunts we would have words. So, why don’t I hold the other gender to the same standards? Why do I allow for more uncaring acts? Is it because my heart is involved and that makes it sticky; after all, don’t we all want somebody to love? A lack of self-esteem; you may not be perfect, but I’m not either.

Whatever the reason, I’m realizing that I deserve better and I don’t need to put up with it. God has a much richer plan for me that doesn’t involve one-sided connections and constant questioning in any type of relationship; no matter the gender or title.

Rocky

2010-10-31T17:59:00.000-07:00

I lost my best friend and confidant a little over a week ago. And while it seems like it was just moments, it already seems like a lifetime away. He had walked through life’s struggles with me, sat and cried with me and let me cuddle with him when the world outside seemed cold and dark. He never judged me or scolded me for over reacting. He didn’t care that my mascara was running or that I was wearing my comfy pants for the second night in a row. He loved me unconditionally.

I had always said that no one else would love that pup like I did. He was in many ways my heart and soul. He saw me at my worst, brought out my best and no matter what he always wanted to be near me—even when I couldn’t stand myself.

He was my first dog and I was surprised how much my heart could love him in the short seven and a half years he was a part of my life.

He was my best and longest relationship with the opposite sex and while to some that may sound sad, I think it’s much to be expected. He never let me down, never broke my heart (until a week ago) and at every turn wanted to know how I was or where I was (and yes, apparently I still can go to the bathroom without him in the same room, but it doesn’t seem the same).

Rocky was there when things hit the fan. He licked my tears, laid with me when I couldn’t move and listened to me yell at no one in particular. He was a godsend, a major player in me making it through the past five years and in many ways the tangible version of a God who I can not touch.

Now he’s gone.

It has been 8 days, six of those have involved tears, but I'm always sad and I miss him constantly. I talk to him, sleep with his toy clutched to me (the ones that I refused to pick up after he slobbered on them-those seem the most precious now). I added his dog tag to my keys and find myself rubbing it mindlessly. I’m constantly sad, no matter what my face may be showing. My whole body knows that something is off.

And it doesn’t just end there. The house is quiet. It makes sounds I’ve never heard before and things spook me easily. I can’t watch a scary movie because who will comfort me? I give directions to my house and get sad as I drive our walking route. I see remnants of him and my heart weeps a little. How am I doing? I’m holding on. Outside is one thing, inside is another.

I get concerned easily. I'm nervous to answer the phone--feeling like something tragic is coming. A number I don’t recognize could mean an accident or answers and each one holds it’s own set of fears.

So much tragedy, so much pain in 29 years. There has to be a reason for all this pain. Other pain I’ve gone through I have seen the other side and I see Him at work. But, Rocky?!!? He was so much a part of me. How can his tragic and horrible death come from a God who is supposed to love me? I don’t see it and I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m confused.

So, no, in no way am I back to 'normal,” no matter what you see on my face, but I’m hanging on the best I know how without him.

Deafeated and Depleted

2010-10-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like God totally showed up when you needed him to? That is how I feel right now, like this little ray of sunshine can be enough to keep me going for a little while longer.

It shouldn’t surprise me when it happens, because time and time again he has done it. Yet, each instance causes me to just stop and marvel in his grace, mercy and love for me.

I wasn’t feeling exceptionally loved waking up today and was feeling defeated and depleted on many playing fields. Worry about what other people think and putting my identity in the hands of others had caused tears and frustration. A criticism from someone I didn’t even know seemed to be the icing on the cake.

So, I started to do what I should have done way earlier and I just asked God to remind me of my identity. To help that insecure little girl inside my head fully understand how wide, how long, how high and how deep is the Father’s love for me. That I would find my value in the fact that I am his treasured daughter. That these truths would just take root in my soul and I would stop struggling with this concept.

And then He showed up.

And I’m still sitting here in awe. It was a simple thing really, but in one night he tackled three fears. It’s like He was saying, “I want you to get this, I know you’re hurting and I so want you to grasp this. I can’t stop until you really get it. Because until you do, you won’t fully live the life I have for you. But see here, in the midst of this pain, I’m reminding you that I love you.”

I shouldn’t be surprised that He showed up. But I am. I walked in faith, out of my comfort zone, to do what He wanted. There have been attacks, but tonight was reiteration that this is where He wants me. When I put my trust in me or my ability, I will fail and I will fall. It’s not to say that it will be easy or that I won’t struggle, but I’m marinating on how wide and long and high and deep is His love for me. I AM his treasured daughter!

Artistic View

2010-10-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how people view me. For most of life this doesn’t really matter. Oh, the ideas enter my head as fleeting thoughts pretty regularly, but they don’t prohibit my ability to move, think, act or grow. Then something happens and I’m stopped in my tracks. A moment where I’m suddenly confronted with the reality that I don’t know the impression I’m giving and I don’t know if it’s the one I want to be espousing.

Is my body language showing how I truly feel? Are my actions and efforts being mistaken or misread? Do my insecurities and issues shine through the facade I’ve placed in front to protect myself? Do people like me, am I making them comfortable? Do they view me as awkward as I see myself?

I get caught in this mind game of trying to figure all these things out, but the reality is that many times I may never know. People fly in and out of my life and I may never truly understand what they felt about me and it’s probably best that I never broach the subject.

In talking to those close to me, I realize that many people in my inner circle have opinions that, while similar, do vary to some degree. I begin to see patterns in what they view and what I tell them. How close I let them in and the stages they see me on. The places we’ve met or the pretenses we have operated under.

Don’t get me wrong, I am myself through and through- take it or leave it. But, one person probably said it best that I am guarded. Silly it seems as I place this out there for all of cyber space, but I am guarded. Myself with a different rating-- depending on our relationship. Some get certain parts of me while others see a completely different set. Levels that, I guess, are determined somewhere in my own head.

Comfort? Safety? Trust? I’m not sure how I make those determinations, but I do.

I guess the most important question I should ask is how do I see myself? Do I like what I see? Does my view match up with the version I’m showing to the masses. And how do I change if I need to. I don’t know if I have the answers to all those questions, but I’m trying.

Trying to determine what it means for the parts that don’t quite align. Why do some people see me as more outspoken while others see my more introspective side? They are both parts of me that come and go. They ebb and flow at times depending on situation, circumstance, attitude, comfort level and a whole slew of factors I may not even realize.

I am multifaceted, not just a simple piece, but a tapestry made up of many fabrics. So, why do some see only yellow while others view blues and greens more readily? And who are those people that can see the final artwork? They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe I just need to come to peace with the fact that we are all art critics and those who are meant to see the magnificence in the tapestry will. Those who are not will walk away either feeling slighted or no worse for the experience.

Waiting

2010-08-14T19:46:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in a waiting room the other day and realized this has become my life--I'm in a state of waiting. I looked around at the other people, some reading magazines, some on their iPod and others talking on their phone and I just watched, taking it all in and waiting.

It's not like I've sat on my hands, forfeited my turn or bowed out completely, but I'm still waiting. The "perfect" job, the man of my dreams/knight in shinning armor/the "one"/whatever descriptor you want- waiting.

I'm not a patient person and the trust thing is hard for me, so this waiting room experience is by no means easy. But, I have to trust that there is a purpose and a plan here, even in the waiting.

My pastor calls this the "Land Between" and talks about the Israelites in the desert for 40 years. He talks about how the decisions we make in this time help determine our faith. Our choices, no matter what we pick, will either harm or help our walk with Christ.

So, what am I choosing? Am I making this time of waiting profitable? Am I learning to trust in the desert? Has my faith grown while wandering in this land between? Or have I fostered a complaining heart, grown discontent or harbored anger?

I feel like there has been progress, not perfection, but steps in the right direction. But still waiting. I find myself asking God how long must I wait. How long will I be in the land between before I reach the promised land?

Rejection

2010-08-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

"We decided to go with another candidate"..."it's not you, it's me"... silence... an email or phone call un-returned. No matter what way you slice it, rejection hurts. It stings, leaving a mark and chipping away at your soul.

From the dawn of time people have been dealing with rejection and we have all faced it multiple times. We didn't get picked for the team at recess, the popular crowd doesn't include us or the school we wanted said our grades weren't good enough.

So, after 29 years of facing rejection, why does it still sting? Why do tears still well up after I face another round? Is it the compilation of it all at once,--real or perceived--relational versus situational or is there more to it?

I don't know. I can't fully explain. Certain types hurt me more than others. They feed into my own insecurities and past aches. Others seem to zap me from nowhere and leave me grabbing for the Kleenex STAT.

The past few weeks have been a flurry of rejection and turmoil on many fronts. Part of it real and some of it my own over-reactions and worries. Either way, I think the more beaten down we are the more susceptible we are to feel more pain. So the cycle continues over and over again until something stops it. I'm ready for that.

Trust

2010-08-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

I lost it somewhere between "I do" and he didn't; the bachelor party lie and the secrets revealed. The "how could you believe I would..." and the confession. Secrets and truths. Trust and its opposite.

I'm not blaming and I can't entirely trace it all back to one person, but that is where it grew and gained momentum. Where I learned it's best to cocoon because being honest, truly and completely transparent, with a man (no matter how much he promised to love) wasn't worth it.

The more I learned, the more I realized that being me-all of me-was more than he wanted. I always get emotional when I hear the line from one of my favorite songs that says "you couldn't stand to be near me when my face don't seem to want to shine 'cause its a little bit dirty." I complained too much (smudge), I didn't let him do anything (another mark), I was always perfect (scars).

It didn't matter that these weren't true or that they were bits and pieces of his own issues passed on to me. That my insecurities were being played out in front of me at home and at work was of no concern to him. But I bought was he was selling. The sad thing is- that is what has left the scar. I worry when I complain or vent or tell someone how I really feel that I will drive them away. Because we all want to see the shiny.

Maybe that is why I didn't want to do this blog in the first place. If people could see me, hear my thoughts, view the Samsonite baggage and know what I was feeling they wouldn't want to be around. I guess that is the crux of it all. If you could see me for who I truly am, would you accept me or would you leave?

I am Not in Control

2010-08-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

I don't consider myself a control freak. Don't feel like I have to be in charge to be happy. In fact, I know I'm not the head honcho and that is fine with me. Yet, I struggle to give up my sense of control. As if I'm in a mental tug-of-war with God over the reins of my life all the while knowing he is in the driver's seat and that is where I want him. Yet I'm shouting out commands like a backseat driver.

I'm single--turn here.

My job's in chaos--don't forget to stop at the stop sign.

Niece and nephew have medical tests--the light's green.

The past four years have been a bounty of examples of how I am NOT in control. Divorce, unemployment, sale of home, new job, new home, termites, car repairs, loss of both grandmas, wind damage, single, dating, single again.

It's like God really wants me to grasp this concept, but I keep failing miserably. I know I'm not in charge, but why do I keep trying to direct things? I'm not saying God wants us to sit on our hands, but sometimes he needs us to get out of the way so he can work. He doesn't need me in there messing it up. He needs me to step aside so his plan can be revealed.

The odd thing is that I trust him with certain things completely. I was unemployed and he brought me an amazing job--unemployment doesn't bother me. I've been there and he provided every step of the way. The mortgage on my new house was always paid and I never went without.

"But the relationship thing hasn't always worked out so well, so if you don't mind God, I'm gonna keep a hold on this one." It's silly, I know, and I need to turn it over fully and completely--to surrender to self and just let go. Like many things, this is much easier said than done. So, I'll keep plugging away at it and if you see my grabbing the steering wheel or shouting out directions, feel free to stop me.

A Rose by Any Other Name

2010-08-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

We all know the paraphrased line, "a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet." The point is that a name is just that, a name. Nothing more and nothing less. Love shouldn't be forbidden based on the name Capulet or Montague. A rose by any other name.

It has me thinking about Christianity and how much I have assumed based on one word. I have taken for granted that to some it is just a name; a label a description of how they were raised. But, I'm realizing there is a drastic difference in making Jesus the Savior of your soul and the Lord of your life.

If Jesus is purely Savior then it changes the game. It's a one act play. Once the role has been filled and my get out of jail card is obtained, I no longer need Jesus anymore. It's fire insurance and nothing more.

If Jesus is Lord of your life then it's a whole different set of rules. Suddenly morals and values and sin, grace and mercy come into light as major players. The soul saving becomes the driving force, but not the whole thing. Life becomes more about living in God's will than knowing where you go when you die. It becomes alive and vibrant and there is a purpose not just a final destination.

This is a concept lost on many and, I have to say, until recently I don't know that I would have described it this way. For a long while I have wondered why so many people claim Christianity, but it's like we have a separate definition. The guy who thought the bible was just a collection of nice stories, but said he was a Christian. Or friends with benefits, but yet helps out with his church youth group.

I'm not saying I'm perfect (I have plenty of faults and flaws on display and those less obvious), but in striving to make Christ the Lord of my life, I have to give up certain things. I have to die to self. I don't always do what I want to do or what "feels good." I strive to make decisions that would be pleasing to God and when I mess up (which is often and not very pretty) I have to confess and get back at it--that, my friends, is Christianity.

It's people who are tragically flawed, but wonderfully forgiven. A group of ragamuffin misfits who are striving to the something more God has called them for. Something more than just a selfish life spent doing only for me. Christianity is supposed to mean Christ-like. But does it? Maybe my real issue is just with the name.

But then that burns me. Christianity is supposed to mean Christ-like. Christ lived on this earth and he ate with sinners and those viewed unclean, but he never lost site of his purpose. Not just to save their souls but to call them to something more, something better. To take up their cross and follow him. To be fishers of men. The road was not promised to be easy, but we were told we wouldn't go it alone. Christ was always aware of the will of the father. Even in some of his final hours it was "my Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." (Matt 26:9). Constantly striving for God's will in his life.

So when people try to reduce Christ to one single act, though an amazing act of love and grace, it bothers me. It's accepting a gift without a 'thank you.' A life saver is thrown and you take hold. But as soon as you are back to the shore you walk right back to your old habits. Before you know it, your life is on the line again and you expect someone to jump in to save you again. I struggle with allowing that to be Christianity. I don't think the act of "soul saving" was all it was ever meant to be and it can't truly exist apart from a life changed. It's lip service to me. Nothing more than a promise made with no intention of keeping it.

There is no solution. The masses won't read my silly little blog and stop acting the way they do. I'm certainly not going to attack ever poor use of the word 'christian' and make sure that the branding is done properly. I think the only true way for me to combat this is to make sure that I live with Christ as Savior AND as Lord of my life. The rest, unfortunately, will come one day with "depart from me I never knew you."

I think I will stop describing myself as merely a 'Christian' and, as I've seen recently, simply state "I'm a Jesus follower." Because that is more what it is about. Following his will for my life and following his example. A rose by any other name.

I'm Back

2010-07-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

After much pressure and gentle email reminders from a friend of mine I have decided to re-join the blog posting world. I re-activated my profile on here which I believe is the first step. The next one is to open myself up enough to be vulnerable and honest about what I have been feeling on the inside lately. To say this will be easy is an understatement.

I had spent the better half of my life being somewhat private--social, but private. Only let people see a little bit into my soul and then shut the window when they get too close. Over the past four years I have opened the window more often and for longer periods of time. The problem is, now I’m again feeling the pain of letting people in. It’s messy and hurtful and sometimes people disappoint.

Part of me starting this tonight is in some way to show that I’m not done opening the window. But as I sit here and write I realize that it doesn’t make any of the pain go away and, unfortunately, I don’t expect it to. Sometimes there are small events, snubs or lack of responses that spiral me back to wanting to slam the window shut and walk away completely.

For now this is my small attempt at opening the window and letting a few people in…I just hope I don’t regret it.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

Not much feels like Christmas this year. People, places, things and weather have made me almost forget that today is Christmas Eve and celebrations begin tonight.

Sometimes, it is nice to have the traditions adjusted when you don't entirely feel like celebrating. So far I have been able to enjoy the things I like about the holidays times...

1. No snow!!!
2. Less stress of where to go the week before Christmas
3. Less gifts to buy
4. Less food to make
5. Ease of decisions since I only have to consult myself
6. More flexibility
7. Time to "sit back" and watch the things happen that I am used to doing
8. Reflecting more
9. Enjoying more
10. Celebrating!

Enjoy your holiday and take some time to stop and take in all the beauty of family, friends and festivities around you.

Control

2006-12-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

There are people in life who somehow have a way of controlling others in their lives. Most often the one who is being controlled has no idea that it is happening. She feels like she is just being 'the good wife' or he feels like his role as 'the good son' is justified, but are they?

I am realizing that I have let someone control me in small subtle ways for way too long. I have allowed my happiness, sadness and sense of worth and self to become so wrapped up in one person. Looking back at it makes me sick.

Even now, as far as I have come, I find myself still being controlled. A letter can cause me so much anger and a Christmas card with a few choice words can cause me to burst in to tears.

This person was supposed to love me and care for me and care about me and there is a part of me that can't quite surrender that control he has over me.

Another Chapter Closes

2006-12-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

Today a chapter in my life closes. The last four years of my life have become a sad statistic and I am now thrown into a category that is more foreign to me than marriage. The hard part is, I was often happy and content in my life that now seems like I must have seen it in a mini-series somewhere.

The last almost year have at times passed so fast that I don't remember my feet every getting out of bed. At other times the pain seemed so intense that what must have been minutes felt like days.

I have changed, grown, cried and shared more in the past eleven months than in the other 24 combined. I never wanted to go through what I have and would not wish that pain on even my worst of enemies.

However, I have learned that what others may mean for evil or selfish reasons, God can use for good. That doesn't take away the loneliness, pain or sadness that I feel, but it does give me hope. I know that deep down there is something better out there for me. God has brought me to a place where I can see that and know that to be true, but the loneliness still exists.

So, as the married chapter of my life is today officially and legally closed and a new chapter begins I have one question...where are all the single Christian guys? (I have learned that without humor I would have lost my mind a long time ago)

Babies

2006-12-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday marked a new beginning as my family welcomed our first baby boy into the world. He was born at about 9:00 pm and is healthy and well and cute as can be (of course).

(yes, this is him!)

I was a little uncertain how I would feel about a boy joining the ranks. I have nothing against boys, but I have all nieces that are quite girly and rather enjoy that part of my Auntie role. Now, I get to learn about the boy side of things and it is pretty exciting.

Seeing the baby tonight made me realize how much I really care for my nieces (and nephew too). They were so adorable at the hospital and looking at the pictures part of me thinks "how did we all get past security?" and the other part of me thinks, "wow, these are all such great girls!"

I am sure that my new nephew will help bring some balance to an estrogen filled family and that is good. I do feel bad for him with all those older girls to pick on him though.

Car 54...

2006-11-26T18:50:00.000-08:00

Where are you? Well, it has been a while since I have updated my blog so here it goes. Life has been a strange kind of busy lately. Not the kind where you are running around yet feel like nothing is getting crossed off the list. It has been more of a "I kind of feel like I am the girl standing there and everyone is flying by me so fast that you can't even make out their faces" kind of busy.

I don't really feel like I am standing still, but time is passing all around me. It's like I woke up from the past 11 mths to find that a large amount of time has passed, but part of me is still back 11 mths ago. The other part of me feels like there is an incredibly large gulf that divides January from where I stand and I can't even imagine that all of that horribleness was going on in my life.

It is a feeling of being torn between knowing that it all happened and realizing that not only did it happen, but I went through it and am coming out of it-scared and scarred- but coming through.

It makes me think of the tunnel that used to form outside of locker rooms at high school sports. Everyone held up their hands while screaming and excitement ensued to a huge buildup when the team, like Greek gods, entered the field. Once the last member of the team was through, the human tunnel disappeared and people walked away almost forgetting why they had just made fools out of themselves to welcome the team.

At times I feel like I am running onto the field. Like I am the one the human tunnel has formed for. My own personal cheerleaders are there to make me feel welcomed. And at other times it is like I am the idiot walking away. Not feeling ashamed or beaten down, but uncertain of what just took place. Unaware of the significance and not fully understanding how that event will mold me or shape me into someone later in life.

I suppose that we all must play both roles and it helps us to see the necessity for the other, but when looking back at what has transpired it is sometimes difficult to distinguish which role I was in.

Learning about myself

2006-11-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

Over the last few days I have realized a few things about myself. I feel the situations over the last few months and my reliance on God has allowed me to grow and learn a lot about myself.

The past few days have been really showing me how I have grown into more of the person I want to be and makes me wonder how long I was acting like a person I don't want to be.

I see the areas I have matured in and am happy that God has allowed the struggles in my life to teach me and to stretch me to grow. I would never wish to go through the pain again, but coming out the other side polished is nice.

Prayer Needed!!!

2006-11-14T07:35:00.000-08:00

Hey all, please be in prayer for my friend's parents. They were in a bad car accident over the weekend and are in the hospital. I know this must be a difficult time for my friend so please also pray for her.

You know that when we pray God can do great things, so please pray for healing, comfort and whatever else the family needs right now.

Thanks!

Thankful

2006-11-10T07:28:00.000-08:00

I don't like Thanksgiving. Too much work for too much food and too much clean up, but I do like the idea of giving thanks.

I woke up this morning and just felt very thankful. We don't need a day to give thanks, we need our life to demonstrate our thanks. So, even though it is a few weeks away, take some time and think about what you have to be thankful for.

Things I am thankful for (in no particular order):

My job that I LOVE!
Meeting new people
Rocky
My relationship with God
The promise of future happiness
Friends
Family
Great music for worship, inspiration and "letting loose"
So many things-too great to list

Democracy?

2006-11-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but I can't wait until Tuesday. Now before you think that I am a government junkie I need to explain. My desire for Tuesday does not stem from an inner urge to vote for a party or to change my community. My longing for Tuesday is so that all of the political commercials and mud slinging can quite down and give me some peace.

Don't get me wrong, I think the right to vote is something we should all take advantage of. Men and women have died and picketed and fought against racism and sexism in order for us to have these rights. The fact that we take them for granted is actually disrespectful to those who dedicated their lives to establishing and keeping democracy in this country. Before I get off on that soap box, let me switch gears.

Like the majority of the country right now I am sick of the political lies and twisting of the truth and name calling. Is there any race that hasn't been riddled with the behavior found most commonly on the playground at an elementary school? What is it about voting that brings out the worst in some people? Where are the facts? Where is the truth amongst the lies? Why is there a legal proposal about doves? Does any of this make any sense?

The fact that some individuals get so wrapped up in this crazy war of words astounds me because that world just has no appeal to me. A world of corruption, lies deceit and all the deadly sins doesn't seem my cup of tea. How did this become associated with one of our basic rights?

Whatever way it happened we have ended up with candidates spending more money and time on their commercials than on their plans for repairing the economy and "turning Michigan around." On Tuesday, make your voice heard and vote for what you believe and just know that on Wednesday I will be celebrating no matter if my candidate wins or not because it means I will not have to hear anymore commercials-that will be the day!

Finally

2006-10-31T18:48:00.000-08:00

Well, for those of you who have been living under a rock, Gilmore Girls is in its predicted final season and due to some corruption at the WB and a hostile take over by the CW, West Michiganians have been missing out on the festivities of the final season.

Tonight all was right in the world. The CW has finally made it to our little corner of the world, bringing with it the very first show from the new season. For those of you living in some boom metropolis like Piedmont North Dakota, some anger may have been displayed due to a re-run. However, in my home there was much rejoicing as I realized that everything will now be o.k.

I can once again enjoy the whit and wisdom the Gilmore Girls share with the world. I can cry with Lorelei over Luke who left her hanging on the bumper when all she wanted was him to unlock the door and let her in (you had to see the show to get that). Rory and I can smile over the corny way that Logan tried to show her that maybe he does really love her. And I can laugh while they attempt to not talk only to realize that not talking requires a lot of talking to plan.

Anyway, the world is now right. The sun will shine and for Gilmore Girls fans everywhere Tuesdays just got a little brighter.

WOW!

2006-10-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today I was struck with how small of a world we live in. I know people use that lightly, but today was truly a day of bringing out the cool way in which God sometimes works in our lives.

It started with a random conversation that turned into my new co-workers knowing one of my oldest friends and her father and it ended today with the thing I needed to hear most right now.

Tonight I met somone whose own story was so much like mine that we both commented about how similiar our lives were. I wound up sharing my hurts, fears and pain with a women who I just met, but who I feel so deeply connected to.

Most people are unaware of all the feelings that have been going through my head this past week and all of the doubts and fears that have been creeping up. But, God knew! God used this women to show me a glimpse of His glory and to show me what life can be. Happiness is available and joy is abundant. What a AWESOME God!

Invasion of the Critters

2006-10-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

I need the expertise of a country bumpkin in order to help me figure out this interesting thing that has happened to me which I will call "invasion of the critters" (or space lobsters). Now, I am sure that this sounds quite a bit more daunting that it actually is, but since I am prone to bouts of exaggeration, I will continue.

If you read my previous posting you would notice that the other day I was almost killed by a group of savage beasts that commonly go by the name "raccoons." What you should note, is that I stated that these beasts were large in stature and (although not previously mentioned) they did glare at me in a very threatening way.

So, as I was about to let out my darling Rocky for his nightly bathroom break, I was cautious so that those ravenous creatures would not come upon him and beat him (or eat him). Before I could open the door, the glare off a pair of eyes caught my attention and I realized I was looking at what I can only describe as an opossum. However, I grew up in the city and therefore am not certain that this creature would be called by that name by one more familiar with such animals.

My question is this...Why now? Why in my backyard? What is it that is bringing these animals to my little plot of land? Is the colder weather more attractive to them? I need the opinion of one who knows, one who can give me real reasons and tell me what to do to make my yard unattractive to these pesky beasts.

I don't want to have to screen the yard when I let out my puppy to see what other strange animals may be out there. Rocky likes to chase and tried to run up the fence when the grayish rat-tailed creature (does it sound like an opossum to you?) scampered up the fence. I don't want to have to replace a fence because Rocky bowled the thing over whilst ridding my yard of the unwanted pests. So, can you help me?

My Near Death Experience

2006-10-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I was almost killed by three large raccoons-and not the cute cartoon ones you see to your left (do you remember the show, the Raccoons?).

These crazy creatures were in my backyard making quite a lot of noise. I wasn't sure what was happening outside and thought "wow, it must be really windy out there, I hope no more tree limbs fall into my yard." So, I decided to open my back door and see what was going on. When I opened the door I was staring into the face of one of these rabid creatures.

We met eyes and I sensed he wasn't about to leave his perch on my back deck. I turned on my light to find two of his brothers on the ground doing whatever it is raccoons do. My first instinct was to shut the door, then I thought about sending Rocky out there to tackle the intruders. But, there was one of him and three of them and I have heard they are quite scrappy fighters, not to mention they were each the same size as he was (add both these raccoons together in order to get a feel for the size of each of them-they were huge!).

So, what did I do? Well, I tried to get them to leave my yard by standing there and looking out the window (I know, quite a clever defense, huh?). What could I do? I couldn't go outside-the one that was two feet away could have attacked me. When they decided they were ready to leave they crawled away and climbed onto the fence and I think I saw the fence buckle under their weight.

After all this had happened, Rocky finally came upstairs (really making me doubt his guard dog abilities) and joined me in watching them leave our yard and scamper off to attack one of my neighbors. I know it sounds like they were somewhat harmless, but I think the one could have eaten through my door and attacked me! I am just lucky to be alive.

Full Week of Work

2006-10-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I finished my first full week of work and I enjoyed sleeping in this morning. I really like the new job. The people there are super nice and friendly and I think this will be a good fit for me.

I did a lot of moving of files and reading through materials to try and get a full understanding of what the org. does, but there are so many programs that it will probably take me a little while to fully understand everything it is we do.

Working 32 hours will be so nice and I know I will enjoy having that extra day to do errands or whatever. Speaking of, I am off to do that now!

Life?!

2006-10-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

I know happiness in the external is fleeting. Things, people and money can't provide true happiness. Even a job, while SO AWESOME to finally have, can't compete with all the external crap going on in other people's lives that collide into mine.

Why is it that my happiness over the past nine months has had to be so fleeting. When something positive happens (a new job, the sale of the house. Etc.) then so quickly something equally or more depressing happens.

Is this all just to try and get me down. To try and test my faith and to question the foundation of who I am? Well enough already!! I am tired of being tried and feel like I can no longer "prove" anything.

Horseback Riding

2006-10-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

On my way to church this morning I saw a woman riding a horse and it made me want to go horseback riding.

The fall is a perfect time to go because the leaves are so beautiful and the air is just a little crisp. Now, I don't want to go do jumps or anything, just take a leisurely horse ride.

The only times I have gone were either at camp when I was younger or when people from our church went riding and we would go with them. Does anyone know where to go?

Goodbye Library

2006-10-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

Goodbye library. You have served me well and have been a safe harbor against the rough storms of the world. The internet was free, the books were available and the DVD's were only a dollar. But, alas, we must part.

I have moved on to better things that life in the world of the employed now provides. Comcast and I have added to our relationship and I am now surfing the net at home alone-minus your creepy patrons.

I will miss the times we had together. The gas station-esque coffee we shared, the laughs, the tears and most of all the moments of pure boredom. Oh, library! May you always stand as an institution of light and happiness in our darken neighborhoods and may you always provide a place of comfort for those in need.

"Bring me your unemployed, your coughers, shouters, throat clears and all around creepy people. Send these degenerates to me, I lift my free services beside the revolving door"

Quote from the Library 2006

2006-10-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well kids, it has finally happened! I am now returning to the ranks of the employed and it feels great. I will miss sleeping in until 10 or 11 and spending all that extra time with Rocky, but I won't miss the boredom or the creepy library people.

I start the new job on Monday and will be working 32 hours, so I will still have one "free" day. The unemployment lasted about 2 mths, but in some ways it seems so much longer than that.

Anyway, I am excited to start the new job and to join the working class once more.

The Beauty of Fall

2006-10-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Fall is such a beautiful time of year. The scents and colors make such a pretty image that I can't imagine anyone would question the remarkable beauty.

This year, I have trees that line my street and make such a pretty picture with the yellows and reds and I am waiting for my own tress to turn and I hope to get lucky with organge leaves.

Something about fall to me makes me think of childhood, maybe it's the thought of jumping in the leaves or dressing up with our plastic masks and heading down the street. Maybe it's the thought of carving pumpkins and making tasty apple deserts or eating candy corn till it makes me sick. I don't know what it is, but fall brings a smile to my face. May you all enjoy the fall season and think of the beauty of it all-even when raking all those leaves.

Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there

2006-10-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, to be a mermaid. Sometimes I lie awake at night and dream of what it would be like to be a little mermaid. I could swim around under the sea and sing tunes with all the sea creatures. How I long to meet King Triton and thank him for his sacrifical love to Ariel. I would praise her sisters for accepting her choices and commend Flounder for his never-ending friendship even in the midst of danger.

Sebastian may not have been right about everything, but he does have a lot of good quotes. "Teenagers, you give them an inch, they swim all over you." Or what about "the seaweed is always greener in somebody elses lake." He was like the prophet to the merpeople and they made him their conducter so he could set all of his wise sayings to delightful tunes such as "Under the Sea."

This post is dedicated to the little mermaid who has delighted the lives of many young girls since the 80's. Girls looking for their Prince Eric and hoping to be "part of your world."

Halloween Party

2006-10-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, thank you all for your coments and emails. I have given it a lot of thought and think I am going to have to pass on the party this year.

I hope no one bought a costume already, but hopefully you kept your reciept.

Just think of it this way, now you can go trick-or-treating around your house.

Halloween Party

2006-10-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

I want to have a Halloween party this year, but I don't know whether I want to have it on the 27th or the 28th-any strong feelings?

And, since it would be a Halloween party, I feel we should dress up. Not like best costume, go all out kind of dress up, but let's have fun kind of costumes. Any objections?

So, essentially if you are reading this you are invited. However since you don't know the date or time yet you will have to check back and see what I decided. Please comment and let me know if you would be interested in coming and, as always, please bring friends!

Stale Bread and Recycled Salad

2006-09-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

So, last night I went to Olive Garden for a little soup, salad and breadstick pick-me-up because I was having a bad day. It was freezing in the restaurant so I ordered myself a fancy coffee drink to warm me up. Boy was I in for a let down.

The coffee drink there is excellent and although it probably has as many calories as my minestrone, I was going to splurge. I forgot to "minus" the whipped cream, but figured this was a whipped cream kind of day.

For those of you who don't know, I drink my coffee kind of on the warm side. I don't want to burn my tounge so I take careful slow sips until it is just the right temp. I waited a minute or two before diving in to this warm treat that would thaw my fingers. So, I took a drink and it was cold. Not iced-coffee cold, but more like colder than lukewarm kind of cold.

In my typical "I am in a bad mood and freezing way", I made a big deal to my dining partner and then moved on. Yeah the breadsticks and salad are here...dig in!!

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny piece of a used sugar wrapper in my salad bowl! Now, I know times are tight and we are all into giving back to the environment, but recycled salad?!?! Can't I have a fresh bowl?

I will have to let the waitress know. I'll just enjoy my breadsticks first. Crunch!! Crunch?! Olive Garden breadsticks don't crunch. They are supposed to be soft and yummy! Did I just break a tooth?

Obviously this didn't help make my day better. The manager did make my meal free-which did help a little. But he didn't appreciate my recycled salad comment. Maybe they aren't allowed to laugh when customers are complaining about trash being in their salad-is that in the managers code book?

Me and My Furnace

2006-09-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

As I turned on my furnace the other day I started to realize that my furnace and I have a lot in common.

We both prefer silver to gold. Well, he prefers that old metal piping to gold, but it is a silver color.
Over the past month we were both laid off. Now, he is usally laid off during the summer, but since both of us were out of work we kind of bonded.
I am pretty sure we were both born in the same year although I am trying to track down his actual birthday so we can celebrate-invitations coming soon
Both of us are pretty cold and we need eachother to warm up. I could use a space heater or light a fire in the living room, but he needs me.
We also both spend a lof of time in the basement. For me it is watching T.V. or playing nintendo, doing the laundry or playing with Rocky. But, the furnace kind of just sits there and doesn't really do much-oh well.

So, you see we have bonded and it helps to bond with your the major components of your house. Maybe they are like plants whose life is extended by just talking to them. I hope so cause I need this furnace to last a little while longer.

Van Down by the River

2006-09-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I have come to grips with my future and am thinking of what items in my life to purge. I have too much furniture, it won't all fit in my new van.

I have been looking and this one seems to fit in my price range, I just have to find a place to park it-any ideas?

Isn't she a beaut?

I don't know what I want to do with my life so maybe the van down by the river is a good idea.

This whole job search thing is crazy. I know what I enjoy doing, but so many parts of me have lost respect for that group of people that helped make my personal hell a public one. How can I have respect for and work with individuals who made me draw the blinds, screen my calls, and look over my shoulder for days-even afraid to leave the house. How can I turn around and work with them? And do I want to? If I don't want to, then what is it I want to do? Can I have a job where I write and communicate and not have to deal with them? Is that what I want? Is the circus hiring?

So, you see how just moving to a van down by the river seems like an easier and less time consuming project. Anyone looking to buy a bedroom suite?

Hot Tubs and Good Friends

2006-09-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

I now think that everyone should have a hot tub and think that they should be included with every house. I went to friend's house last night and sat in her hot tub outside and it was beautiful. The weather was so perfect and the trees were great (and of course the conversation was excellent). I just really enjoyed it.

It got me thinking about life this morning and while I think everyone could benefit from a hot tub, I think people can benefit more from good friends. Hot tubs are great, but I think it depends on the company and not the hot tub.

So, instead of wishing for everyone to have a hot tub, I wish for everyone to have friends they feel comfortable with. Friends that stick by them through whatever life throws at you and stick by you when you are not really fun to be around.

Thanks for those of you who have been that for me and I hope to return the friendship when you are going through those times in your life.

Time flies when you have sumac

2006-09-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I met some wonderful women at my church and it got me thinking about how fast time flies so I thought I would share some things that were amazing to me...

It has been months since I had poison sumac (you remember it, I kept shoving my gross rash on my forearm in your face)
I have had Rocky for 3 years! And he is almost four years old
Packing and moving from the old house happened 3 months ago
I have been unemployed and looking for a job for over a month
Steph, Jcwik and Rob have only been in my life for a year or so (what did you all do without me?)
My pretty white car has been mine for almost a year
I am half way to 26, how did that creep up so fast?
2 years ago I had a surprise halloween part where people dressed up-it was so fun!
Modd, you and I have known eachother for 7 yrs! Does is count that we haven't talked for over half of them?

See, time does fly when you have sumac!

Song

2006-09-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share the lyrics of this song by Ginny Owens as they have helped me through some rough days (and nights). I hope they will help you too...

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley If You want me to

CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to

My phone

2006-09-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

It has served me well over the past two years and it is so cute, (take a look-pretty huh?) but it may be time to retire this tiny treasure.

It's not that I don't love my little phone and I hardly ever see other people with one like it (unlike the Nextel phones that everyone has-no offense!). Carrying this little jewel around has made me feel superior because people never know how it works so it feels like I am playing some sort of trick on people.

I know it doesn't look very tough, but I have dropped it in parking lots and on floors and this puppy has withstood many a beating. However, this past week I dropped it on my wood floor and it was the final straw for my darling phone.

The past few days, mid-conversation, the battery has popped out and I have had to call back and apologize. So, my cute little phone will soon be sporting some tape to hold the battery in-are you jealous yet?

I was planning on getting a new phone since I drop calls so often people now expect it to happen. My service is so bad that I have to sit outside in order to get a signal, which means my neighbors get to hear all my conversations.

Herein lies the problem..who has the best service? I used to have Nextel and had so many problems with it that I switched to Alltel and now at my new house I get no signal. A friend tried her Verizon and that even had signal in my shower! (cause I often make phone calls in my shower-don't you?).

Anyway, who has the best service? And do I have to get a camera phone? I hate those!

Things going through my mind

2006-09-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

Why do people keep eating the spinich?
Do dreams really mean anything? If so, that's not good. I've had some crazy dreams lately.
Why did the station have to play that wedding song last night?
I hope mom is feeling better
When will I finally get a job?
I'm so glad Mario 3 is working now, I can't wait to play!
Did anyone watch the Office last night?
I want to go to an orchard
Thoughts on last nights Grey's?
Will I be able to watch Gilmore Girls next week? I don't understand that new network thing and what channel it will be on.
Why does my crazy neighbor call me Amber? And how long have I been answering to it and not even noticing?
Why do I love to email so much?
Does my other neighbor always notice when people get their haircut? That's not a typical guy trait. Was my haircut that drastic? Did he use the word chopped?
Why doesn't David update his blog more often?
Rocky and I are such a cute couple, we should get our pictures taken
Wow, that sounds so pathetic!

Hope you enjoyed getting inside my head again. Have a great weekend!

Signed, Sealed and Detached

2006-09-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was expecting, a wave of emotion or a burst of anger, but it didn't come. It was like when I walked through the house once everything was at the new place. I thought I would be overcome with tears and just want to wander aimlessly from room to room remembering all of the good times and as I walked, nothing came. Each room housed good, but somehow it was like that part of my brain had died or been turned off so there wasn't anything registering.

I remember the way the empty rooms looked-foreign and sad- but still no emotion.

I felt the same way today. I thought some type of peak or valley would come in my emotional state, but it is more like the feeling of giving blood. I feel like I have given too much. Like somehow too much was taken out of me and I am just wandering and waiting for the crackers and juice to kick in. Part of me feels like I should be laying down on the cot and not exerting too much, but my body just doesn't want to listen to anyone.

Six years were taken from me by the decisions of another so maybe that is why I feel so depleted. I don't know, why I feel this way. There is no joy or relief or anything that washes over me. I know that the rest now is a waiting game so I just have to be patient (and for those of you who know, that is not my strong suit)

Sorry if you were expecting some happy mindless rant about library etiquette, but that is just not on my mind today.

Exciting News

2006-09-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it has finally happened and I hope you are all as excited as I am. Drum roll please.... I have finally received address labels in the mail!!! Thank you St. Jude for making this all possible. Oh, actually, I am not sure who they were from, but they had my correct address so I don't care who sent them.

For those of you who are a little skeptical of this great news, you need to look at the facts here. Without address labels I have to write out my address. Do you know how hard that is? Especially when you are so tight on time like I am right now. In addition, this requires me to remember my address and I don't know about you, but that is a little difficult for me.

This big news also means that I have been in my house long enough for people to know I live there. Not just the cable, gas and electric people-even the water department today sent me a welcome to my home letter (o.k. it was really a bill, but who's keeping score?)

So, in honor of this momentous occasion, I have included one of my favorite toothpastefordinner comics. Enjoy!

Haircut

2006-09-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

I just got my haircut. By just I mean about an hour ago. I cheated on my regualr guy and went to a cheap place because I have no job and wanted to spend less money. Anyway it's just hair right?

How come then, it takes me a while to see if I like it? I get close to the same thing almost everytime (about shoulder length and layers), but each time I get a cut, it takes me a while to see if I like it. Why is this? Why does it take time to decide? Is this a girl thing or a me thing?

Oh and, obviously this is not me, but who takes a picture of getting your haircut? Well, I guess my mom kept a lock of my hair from my first haircut. I still have it. What am I going to do with it? And really, how do I know she wasn't lying and took it from my 7th haircut? It's not like I could tell. It may not even be mine!

Motor Oil and Beaches

2006-09-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

I thought the dichotemy of my Saturday actvites were quite funny when looking back at them. Maybe you will also get a chuckle...

Well, a few days earlier I was mowing the lawn and needed to add oil to the mower. Now, I have only been mowing the lawn for the past few months so it is still a little new to me. Anyway, I got out the oil and added the rest of the can, started up the lawn mower and mowed the back lawn. Then I go around to the front and when I am about half way through the thing starts smoking. So, I turn it off and check and yes there is gas so I start it back up, except there is a lot more smoke so I turn it off.

I asked my dad what could be wrong and he said I filled the oil to full. Now, of course, I thought this was a wrong diagnoisis-until I had checked. I had filled it WAY to full. So, on Sat I was taking a straw to the oil well to get it down to the full line. I gave up after a little while, but will haev to try again this week. I got oil all over myself and it was awful!

So later on Saturday night I thought I would watch some T.V. and when you don't have cable
you don't have many options. I ended up watching Beaches. Now, this movie has become synomous with women crying and I think it is a rule that if you watch this movie you will tear up at the end. I was flipping back and forth throughout the movie, yet at the end I was crying. Now, I reserve the right to recant that statement if it turns out that this movie is only suppossed to make women over the age of 40 cry at the end.

Any insight?

Bad Day

2006-09-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

I had a bad day yesterday. I think all of the junk I have been dealing with just kind of hit me and the unemployment thing was overwhelming.

I got my first check for 2 weeks and it is not as much as I was hoping for and I will have to dip into savings to help pay some bills.

Anyway, later on that night I went and got some flowers for inside the house (and mums and tulip bulbs which I planted this morning-Steph you would be proud and thanks for the tips).

I chose some Gerber Daisies in bright Yellow, Red and Orange and when I got home and cut them and put them in the vase my mood lifted a little. The same happened when I woke up and saw them on the kitchen table.

Isn't it interesting how something so minor can bring happiness? I don't know if this is just a girl thing (or maybe just a me thing), but seeing those flowers was like seeing some rays of hope. Now, I know they won't help me get a job or pay the bills or find true love. But they help point me to the one who can. Maybe, just maybe, God knew what he was doing when he made the bright flowers that grace our fields, flower beds and vases. Maybe He put them there to help us in moments like these.

Library

2006-09-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

I know this is the second posting for today, but trust me it is needed.

As most of you know, I don't have home internet (blame it on the Comcast monopoly) and so I am using the internet at the library. The Wyoming library is a very nice library with their own coffee shop and a mass amount of computers that patrons, like myself, can use free of charge.

However, I think they should set some standards. I go to the library daily, come on, what else do I have going on? I have encountered some interesting people. I will describe them for you now

The smelly guy-this guy smells like B.O. and vomit wrapped into one great combo and out of all the gin joints in the world, he had to walk into mine. We're talking right next to me. I was breathing into may hand! Now, this is kind of hard to do while you are trying not to vomit on your computer and try to appear like nothing is wrong.

The loud teens-this is a little easier to deal with. I mean it is a library, but they are young right? So they are arguing about the names of the villains in video games and punching each other on the shoulder. This is much better than smelly guy

MySpace Mom-Yes, you read this correctly. My space mom and her truant daughter were at the library, ready for a good day of skipping school. They had pulled up their favorite website, myspace, and proceeded to talk to boys and say some things I was a little surprised for a mom to say. It especially surprised me that the daughter was keeping the mom in line.

Talkie McGee-I have encountered many of this variety of species. You know the type, the read the computer screen out loud, talk to the person sitting next to them, not using their "inside voice" and they are the most annoying of the species. They make it almost impossible for me to concentrate and instead they force me to complain about them in print.

Sighing Crazy Lady-She is a special breed in and of herself. She has combined the Talkie McGee and the sigh and I didn't think it was possible, but she is the most annoying person I have ever encountered. Let me take you on a journey...Imagine it with me now...close your eyes...you are sitting there trying to communicate with friends over email and look for jobs when you hear a loud sigh. What is that? You think to yourself and go on about your work. When low and behold you hear it again. Only this time it sounds like this "Sigh, Sigh, Sigh, Sigh SIGH, SIGH, SIGH, SIGH, SIGH!!! Is this person having a baby next to me? Does she have breathing problems? What is happening? Can one person really sigh that much and be o.k?

So, please, I beg you do not become these people. Do not sit in public and say "Oh, that is so cute" while looking at the computer screen. Don't annoy the person next to you. Unless you want to end up on their blog.

You know you grew up in the 80's if:

2006-09-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

(this was taken from an email forward and I know it's long, but it made me laugh-enjoy!)
You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
You watched the Pound Puppies.
You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
Two words: Hammer Pants

If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)
It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen..and still know the turtles names.
You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it. (We won't even talk about the ACID washed pair you had!!!)

L.A. Gear....need I say more?
You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)
You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
You took lunch boxes to school...and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
You have ever played with a Skip-It.

You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
You remember Popples.
You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks..
You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do..getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)
You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"
You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
You just sang those words to yourself.
You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
You remember when mullets were cool!
You had a mullet! (You may still even have a Mullet TODAY!!!)
You tight rolled your jeans.
You owned a bannana clip.
You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!

Things I love or am thankful for

2006-09-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

I was out with a friend last night that I hadn't seen in a while and had such a good time that it reminded me of things that I am thankful for, but don't articulate often enough. Here it goes...

Friends to laugh, cry and vent with
Family-well, we're stuck with eachother so we might as well enjoy it-HA!
Rocky, even thogh he takes up over half of the bed at night. How can you NOT love that face?
Avacado Ranch Dressing- I just discovered it at Chili's last night, but it is tasty
Super Mario Bros.- I finally beat that game! O.k. so it came out in the 80's, I'm a little late
Shoes-need I explain?
Coffee and fu fu coffee-mmm'
Flowers-I love looking at how my rose bushes and hydrangeas are doing. Sorry Liz, your cuttings stayed at the old house. I told my brother I wanted to take them, but he thought digging them up would be odd
Gai cookies-anyone want to make a lunch date?
Music-what's not to love? Relax, worship, dance (only around the house!) or just kick back
Cooking and Baking-even loosing a thumb doesn't make me not enjoy this, but no this does not mean I will be making you food, mom!
Fountain pop-it has to be D.C. I can't explain it, but something about fountain pop just taste better.
Track 5-how come on at least a dozen of my cd's my favortive song is on track 5?
My nieces-they are all so adorable and yes, they fit into family, but they also deserve their own catergory, thank you!

What things are you thankful for? Share the silly or the serious. It helps to see how trully blessed we all are and it helps to see pleasure in the little things.

Bored

2006-09-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know I have mentioned this before, but I am bored-hence creating the blog!

When I had just graduated and was working I missed summer vacation and thought how great it would be to have vacation again. Well, this is not really like vacation. This is like vacation all by yourself with all your friends busy-not fun.

At first it wasn't bad, I was spending time with my mom and got to see my nieces, but then school started and here I sit. Let me share with you how my day goes...
9:00-10:00- wake up (hey, I'm on vacation!)
10:00-10:30-play with Rocky
10:30-11:00-take shower and get ready (for what, I'm not sure)
11:00-12:00- use library internet
12:00-12:30-eat lunch
rest of the day...
write any cover letters, send resumes, check mail (sadly, this is the highlight of my day), read some books, play Mario,
watch TV, play with Rocky, drink coffee (I'm obsessed), resist the urge to go to Beaners and get the P.B. cup big chill (this thing is WONDERFUL and they just opened a Beaners by me), wonder why the guy next to me at the library has such bad BO that I want to vomit- I'm not exaggerating, this has happened more than once.

So, any of you who want to take a day off of work to enjoy my "vacation" with me, feel free. PLEASE!!

Inside my head

2006-09-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are unfamiliar with what goes on inside my head, this may be a little scary. Those of you who are used to my craziness, sit back and enjoy-it has only gotten weirder.

This is not really every thought that goes through my head-did you really think I would post that for the world to see? Anyway, here it goes with my randomness

Rocky better not have ripped Kleenex up and tossed it all over the bathroom when I get home
Why do I love Norah Jones?
I'm bored
I wonder whether Carla will have a boy or a girl?
How much is gas?
Hey, she could name it Norah
If I were to get this job, I would have to move to Colorado
I want to go shopping
I would need more skirts
Man, I really love pants
World 8 on Mario is very hard
Why did I want to start a puzzle?
When does the new season of Gilmore Girls start?
What am I going to do today?
I love coffee
Is it natural to drink this much coffee in a day

Soup

2006-09-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

I was making some home-made veggie soup this weekend-yes I am that domestic-when I cut my thumb. I have these really great Pampered Chef knifes that have there own protective sheath that sharpens the knife so these knives are quite sharp. It went through the tip of my thumb like butter.

Don't worry, I was cutting the last of my 10,000 veggies for the soup and no blood made it into the mix. However, it did cause me to ponder some questions

Why did I cut my thumb when I was on my last veggie? I have been cooking for quite a while and this is the first time I can remember cutting my finger this bad.
How come even though I am left handed, the right thumb seems to be so important? So many tasks seem affected by this wound.
Why do I use my right hand for so many things despite being left handed? Is this based on a society that wants us to all be right handed and confuses children until they don't know what hand to use-can I hear some confirmation from other lefties on this?
Why did my thumb have a pulsing heartbeat feeling once it was cut? What is the medical term for this and why does it do that?
How come no band-aids are made to fit the top of the finger or thumb? How come I must wrap a regular band-aid around the wound and have it either take up my whole finger or stick out like a sore thumb (Ha, get it)

Any thoughts?

Bathroom Conversation

2006-09-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

O.k. so not the normal topic of conversation, but I just had to share.

Today my friend and I were in a restroom at Olive Garden (gotta love that soup and salad). We walked in behind an older lady, lets call her Pearl. Pearl made a rather loud comment to her dinning companion, lets call her Mildred, who was already occupying a stall. The following is the actual conversation that ensued (trust me, I could not make this stuff up!)

Pearl: "Mildred, are you in here?"
Mildred: Yes, Pearl, I'm here"
Pearl: "Are you o.k.?"
Mildred: "Yes, I'm fine."
Pearl: "Well, I wondered when you left rather quickly, I figured it must be urgent."
Mildred: "Yeah, this doesn't happen very often, but when it happens I have to go right away."

At this moment my friend and I gave a knowing look and both headed for the door.

Once we were far enough away from Pearl and Mildred we got talking about bathroom etiquette. While I was happy that Pearl and Mildred had such a comfortable relationship with eachother I was not looking for them to have that comfortable of a realationship with me.

Why do people talk to stall companions?

Dress Code

2006-09-08T15:32:00.000-07:00

So, the job I interviewed for has a pretty strict dress code. How strict? Well, take a look at the photo.

O.k. so I wouldn't be allowed to wear a letter sweater, but I wouldn't be allowed to wear pants!! Yes, girls that means skirts everyday. I went to a private school and it wasn't even that strict. I have so many pants. In fact, I live in pants. I love pants.

I own skirts, but come on, pants are so much better

I wouldn't make a job decision on this, but is anyone offended by women wearing pants?

Phone Interview

2006-09-08T15:12:00.000-07:00

I had a phone interview today for employment in Colorado. The interview went well and I am optomistic. The next step is another phone interview with the boss.

While moving would be a great adventure and very exciting I would not look forward to actually moving. I just did this about three months ago and still have so many things I planned to do to my cute little house. I also don't know how Rocky would do in a car ride all the way to Colorado. (o.k. this isn't an actual picture of him, but its close)

Either way, I am not in control of the outcome and am trying to not get too excited about the prospect of moving.

TGI Friday's

2006-09-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw a commercial for what I can only describe as the second grossest food ever. The first place prize goes to the KFC bowl of cheese, potatoes, corn and I am not sure what else.

Well, last night I saw the second most disgusting food ever. Have you seen the commercial for TGI Friday's fried foods? These are fried green beans and fried mac 'n; cheese.

Do these sound good to anyone? When the KFC bowl came out a friend of mine admitted he thought it sounded good-remember that Rob? Does anyone think this food looks good? I am not a health food nut, but I can hear my arteries clogging just looking at this stuff.

Hello

2006-09-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all, here is my first ever blog. I admit I was skeptical of this whole blog thing and thought it would never be something I would do, but I was wrong.

Anyway, I am hoping this will be kind of like writing therapy.

Please respond and let me know your thoughts.